Quiet whispers in a hurricane..

"What if your blessing comes through raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you are near? What if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?" 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

It's no major secret that the last few weeks have been somewhat 'challenging'. With various different things going on around family life, with my host family, friends, and just in myself personally I am genuinely surprised I've held myself together so well thus far. As I was spending my time last night watching the second hand on the clock tick instead of sleeping I took some time to think and remember how much my life has changed in the past 3 years and despite the difficulties I face now, how good God is in the middle of it all, whether I feel it or not.

Three years ago I was half way through my first year in a nursing degree, I lived off alcohol, cigarettes & toffeecrisps, I was badly depressed and a chronic self harmer, I had terrible friends (I was in England by the way, my friends in NI were great..) and amongst various other things I was in the middle of an abusive relationship.

At the time I wasn't sure why I was still alive or why I needed to be for that matter and I think I surprised myself at just how bad I had let things get before I did anything about it.

Looking back now however, the action path I chose wasn't the best one as i soon discovered (but recovered from).

Two years ago, I was thankful for my life and nearly all that was in it. God had started me on a journey of growth in learning about who I was, and what he had for me. Never in a million years would I have said two years ago that I would be here right now. but ANYWAY. Different story for another time. I was so thankful for where I was and the people I had around me and that I wasn't in some of the same situations as I was three years ago, but things still weren't easy. I still struggled with eating, I still self harmed-no where near as often but it was still there-and I hadn't quite shaken the depression but things were getting better and that was enough to keep me going.

One year ago I had quit self harming, I was free of depression, and I had 99% shaken the eating problem. I genuinely felt a whole lot better in myself, in who I was, why I was here, and the plans God had for me. I was applying for a full time internship course at my church and for the first time in probably my whole life I was really excited for what was going on.

That's not to say I didn't have any difficulties or issues at the time, I did, and plenty of them,  but I was learning how to handle them in a less destructive, more constructive kind of way. Yes I still had bad days where I would 'forget' to eat or I'd 'accidentally' slip and burn myself, or I'd have a 'headache' and hide under my duvet all day, but everyone is allowed a bad day. It's part of learning and growing.

At the end of the day we're only human and we're going to make mistakes and that's ok. It's what you learn from them that counts.

This year I have encountered various different 'challenges' and they haven't been easy. Whilst they haven't been the same as the challenges I had to overcome 3 years ago they've been just as difficult to face most of the time but I've learnt to be strong and I guess   one of the things I've had to learn more recently, or rather, last night, is that it's ok to NOT be ok sometimes.

Admitting that you aren't ok isn't actually admitting that you've failed, or that you are weak, or anything like that, but really it's your chance to tell the hurricane going on around you to shut the hell up so you can hear God's secret whispers in the midst of it, encouraging you to keep going, that He loves you, that He's proud of you, that He sees you, that He cares.

It's funny how easy it is to drown out the hurricane with the quiet whispers when you take the time to listen to them.

Sometimes life can feel so completely overwhelming in the middle of a current situation but yet when you remove yourself from it and change your perspective it almost seems worthwhile to fight through.

aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh

So, last year our church (as in the staff and congregation-rather than the building) took on the challenge to read the entire bible in a year, a plan was devised of different readings from different books for every day of the year. This year we decided to shake it up a bit and do the plan again but with a twist. We have a blog now, each day somebody new uploads a devotional to the blog for that days Old Testament passage. (If you want you can follow the journey found in my wee about me section on the right :)) 

As an avid blogger and professional writer (haaa, excuse me while i re-inflate my lungs) i thought it would be a fabulous idea to sign myself up as a devotional writer for a couple of the dates.

Here lies my problem. date of first blog-22nd feb. Old Testament passage? Leviticus 13-"Regulations about infectious skin diseases" how does anyone even relate to that? i mean really? aahh what a difficult passage.

I can't even find one key verse to choose that "jumps out at me" is the Old Testament really that irrelevant to todays culture?

-Maybe not, maybe I'm just not looking at it from the correct perspective.

In those times you got sick because you were sinful...

oh look the Old Testament just got relevant?

So essentially in those days skin disease=sin

so I'm totally not saying that the same is true for today but what I am saying is here we have a list of regulations that instruct us on how people in that time dealt with what we assume is their illness but in fact its about how they dealt with their sin.

In this time holiness and being at one with God was all about cleanliness and it was only a priest who could decide if you were clean or unclean. In order to make yourself clean you had to (obviously) wash yourself with water. If you were clean on the outside then essentially you could be"friends" with God again.

I don't know about you but personally I am mega relieved this is not the case today. (It's good to be clean and all but I don't live a perfect life so I would spend my whole time visiting priests and washing myself dodgy.com

I feel so privilidged to serve a God that is a personal God, that loves me and wants to be my friend regardless of my sin (not that this is a permission slip to live a life of jerkness/sinfulness) All I'm saying is that with Jesus we have the opportunity to come before God ourselves and repent and be cleansed. In OT times they cleansed the outside with water but in New Testament times Jesus told them that being clean came from the heart. Matthew 15 tells us that it is not what goes into our mouth that makes us unclean but rather what comes out of it. What comes out of the mouth comes from the heart and it is those thoughts that make a person clean or unclean.

If we can keep our hearts pure and remember that there is abundant grace from God then maybe we don't need to worry so much about whats on the outside...maybe thats the problem with today? People are too busy trying to make their outside look presentable their insides are rotting.

How is your heart today?

I'm leaving in 4 hours and 45 minutes and I have to pack, shower, change money and rest. All very doable really if I had any sort of motivation to crawl out from under my very cosy bed :) maybe I'll rest first...

I'm pretty excited to visit Thailand :)
I have nothing else to say at this given moment just that I'm very excited but not enough to move to get anything done before I leave (lol)

Must.get.up.now...okay 5 minutes...

I win :)

Today, within myself, I had the beautiful realisation that I was worth more than what starvation was offering me. Today I discovered I am going to be 1 of the 4. I think I always knew very deep down that this wasn't going to last, I had far too many people that cared about me supporting me to watch me tumble deeper down. So whilst all of these people were "eat this eat that, more of this, less of that" I was agreeing helplessly, promising to eat and then lying that I'd done it when I hadn't. Eventually I came clean, or I avoided the confrontation altogether. It was a short lived relapse..if it can even be called that-which i suppose it can considering i lost 1 stone but it was a hellish one at that and I know its not over, this is a process not an event, something I am going to have to continue to battle every day but the battle in my head is over. I win. Again. I can do this. Again. 


It's not going to be easy but I know I am fully competent and capable and I am ok. I have the strength to win this in the physical, mentally I need to make a choice and I know its very easy for me to sit here at five to midnight after eating virtually nothing all day and say "I win in my head I can eat now" at lunchtime tomorrow it could be a very different story, but it's about the choices I make and today I choose not to let this win over me, and tomorrow i choose not to let this win over me and the next day and the next day and the next day. 


I know I am stronger than this because God is bigger than my problem and it's His strength that carries me. As long as I continue to keep that in mind and do my best to remember it over and over at meal times I am going to be ok. Eating will be difficult but I know I can do it because I believe I'm worth more than what anorexia has to offer.


I can do this because I believe in me.

"Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder that makes people lose more weight than is considered healthy for their age and height.

Persons with this disorder may have an intense fear of weight gain, even when they are underweight. They may diet or exercise too much, or use other methods to lose weight.

The exact causes of anorexia nervosa are unknown. Many factors probably are involved. Genes and hormones may play a role. Social attitudes promoting very thin body types may also be involved.

Family conflicts are no longer thought to contribute to this or other eating disorders.
Risk factors include:

Trying to be perfect or overly focused on rules

Being more worried about, or paying more attention to, weight and shape

Having eating problems during infancy or early childhood

Certain social or cultural ideas about health and beauty

Having a negative self-image

Having an anxiety disorder as a child

Anorexia usually begins during the teen years or young adulthood. It is more common in females, but may also be seen in males. The disorder is seen mainly in white women who are high academic achievers and who have a goal-oriented family or personality."

I suppose I first struggled with food when I was around 8. I was an actual real life nightmare to feed. I just wouldn't eat. I got the usual generic "if you don't eat your dinner you won't get ice cream" to be fair, i generally didn't give a rats ass whether I got the ice cream or not I wasn't hugely bothered. I never really understood why I couldn't bring myself to eat like a normal 8 year old. I was just scared of..well..I don't actually know what exactly I was scared of I just knew I couldn't really eat.

Things fairly normaled out for me (ish) until I was about 12 or so, everything started to change and I didn't appreciate it a whole lot, my body was growing in different places and I was uncomfortable with that and after having difficulty settling into a school I didn't really want to go to I just found I felt very out of control of my own life. After a very brief stint of being bullied I found I could control certain areas of my life. I started to self harm (WHICH WAS FAB) not. And cut down on my food without really properly realising what I was doing-I was heavily involved in sport so I just figured I was being healthy. It got progressively worse over the years and I continued to restrict my food until i got to a time in my life where I would just go for days or a week or two without eating. It was particularly difficult to be fair.
Anywho I moved to England because too many people close to me we're recognising my problem and I wanted to run away so I left and did a course over there, which, I never really went to because I was far too busy drinking alcohol, overdosing on laxatives and not eating food which in turn made me incredibly weak - also fab - not ;) amongst other things that are still particularly painful to go into and also entirely related to my post on forgiveness. I think it is fair to say I was in a pretty broken place :(
My turning point came when one day I had just had enough. I put everything in order-literally. And tried to kill myself. I am not being light about this. I took everything. I was on steroids for an ulcer in my stomach I took all those, paracetamol, brufon, codeine, vodka and bleach. I full heartedly genuinely did not want to live anymore. It was a painful time. I really called out to God that night, I couldn't do it anymore. I really wanted God to intervene.
No word of a lie the next day I woke up. I was partially disappointed but mostly relieved-I felt like I had a little bit of hope, like God had something for me.

I started this healing journey, I came home from England where I had a little bit of accountability and got back involved with church. Slowly but surely from being involved with the right people my heart started to heal and as I grew to understand God and His love for me I didn't feel as big a need to starve myself...unfortunately it wasn't quite as simple as that because that sort of journey takes time but I walked it and made it through to the other side eventually with a small scuffle or two along the way. I had such an incredible healing that I thank God for every single day otherwise I wouldn't have been here. Who knows where I would have been.

I decided that I wanted to spend my life working for God so went in for an internship in my church that I am currently in and as a side note before I move on quickly I am really enjoying it but more recently I have had to face some difficult obstacles.
We as interns have been given an incredible opportunity to go on a missions trip to Thailand, whilst we won't be spending a great deal of time with prostitutes, the thought of being in an area surrounded by men who abuse young girls and women is something that is causing me a great deal of stress, worry and fear, which is apparently causing a somewhat minor relapse.
Whilst I don't condone any kind of starvation "minor" I use the term only because people around me are aware of it and so potentially the relapse won't last very long.
This is comforting-more comforting than I realise right now I think but it is comforting to know that although I am struggling intensely right now to eat anything more than 70calories in a day there are people praying for me, watching over me and walking with me during the rejourney into healing.
The most comforting part realistically is knowing I'm not alone in this. It's not something I have to do on my own, I have endless amounts of people who want nothing but the best for me and they're going to be there for me and support me through the hard times and celebrate in the good times with me too.

I think my problem is that during my recovery I was never really taught how to deal with stress and pressure and criticism in a healthy non-dangerous way!! So I suppose this is my latest challenge, finding a healthy way to cope without resorting to old methods. I do wish it was as simple as "oh here's a healthy way to handle everything now I can eat" but unfortunately it's not, and unfortunately for me despite people realising the trouble I'm in and the struggles I'm having I'm not sure they comprehend just how fast and how deep I have fallen back into anorexia. I literally can not eat. The thought reduces me to panic attacks and tears and melt downs. I think more than anything I'm scared. Scared people will give up, scared people will leave, scared ill get kicked off the internship, mostly scared really that this time it could kill me and yet I still can't bring myself to change. It's frustrating how much harder it is than people (or even myself) realises.

Life shouldnt have to be this difficult :S

A work in Progress

I haven't written in a while because I didn't really have much to write about...now I have everything to write about and no idea how to say any of it...and such is my conundrum.


I guess there are two areas that i can talk about...although I might accidentally talk about them both at the same time rather than seperately in an organized manner...or I may start doing this then go back and edit it and remove this paragraph so you would never know...... [Edit: i left this in cuz I thought it was funny]


Anywho, two areas I have been struggling with recently are 'people pleasing' and 'forgiveness' two pretty hefty topics....and I have no idea how to unscramble my brain into something somewhat legible for a blog.


If I were to tackle 'people pleasing' first I would be saying something wonderfully constructive and insightful about the psychology behind it....
Supposedly it comes from a fear of not being accepted and a feeling of unworthiness and unloveableness (yes i know it's not a word but i can't figure out what the actual word is....)
Some world renowned doctor said this "In their unceasing efforts to avoid conflict and confrontation, and to get along with everyone in their life, only rarely do they express their true thoughts and feelings." This is understandable when you move jobs and friendship cycles as often as I do. 


Anyone can understand that sometimes we just want to be liked...unfortunately for me I feel the need to become a doormat in order to get that approval..on the flip side of this though...does all the blame lie on me? What about the people who are aware I'm a people pleaser and take advantage of this? Is that fair? Don't hear what I am not saying, please, I am in no way attempting to shift blame of my 'doormatedness' (yes I made this word up too) onto anyone else, I am simply saying that people pleasers are easy to spot and as human beings we need to realise that taking advantage of them, or, going directly to them before anyone else for help just because we know they will say yes should not be an option. [what a confusing sentence-i apologise]. In my own humble people pleasing opinion as I spout from a fairly anonymous blog...it's exploitation. **gasp**


So my next step is learning how to say no...I suppose the key thing to remember is that when someone asks us to do something 99% of the time we are giving ourselves much more thought than they are...in the nicest possible way their head is currently going "can you do this yes or no-if yes awesome if no thats cool who else can I ask?" our head is saying "ohmygoodness I have no time to do this but what if no one else will help them, what if they think I'm unreliable, if i say no they'll think I'm lazy and they'll think I am unhelpful and never ask me for help again if I say no I wont get any more opportunities to prove myself..." I mean seriously...what do I need to do in order to give off the impression that I am willing to help, provided I have the time and energy to do so. Somebody give me a bin to throw away the doormat sign that is glued to my head. Maybe I can switch it to that saying that goes a little something like "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day..tomorrow doesn't look good either" I guess my key is to remember that my self worth doesn't lie within making everyone else happy it comes from God and God alone. As long as I remember that, hopefully I shouldn't have too many issues with people pleasing...maybe...ish... ;)


Why does life need to be so difficult all of the time? And why can't I delegate?


MOVING SWIFTLY ON TO MY NEXT TOPIC OF LIFE: forgiveness


I shall repeat "WHY DOES LIFE NEED TO BE SO DIFFICULT" [said in exasperated tone]
okay so that was a little dramatic but still, it was necessary.
I have been learning a lot about this recently (as in forgiveness...not my ability to over dramatise everything I do in life..ok, there I go again)


Several weeks ago I found myself in a situation where I had to forgive someone...I am still faced with that choice.. Now please don't go thinking this is another of my over dramatised stories-it isn't. It's not a wee petty thing where someone ate my lunch and I was irritated and hungry all day it was something much more raw and painful than that. Anyway, the opportunity arose where I realised I would actually have to forgive several people. (insert sarcastic willingness here)
I decided to ignore the feeling (as any great Christian does-nervous laughter) and for a while it went away, more recently however I have found myself in several situations where God is dropping hints into my life in a so completely unsubtle way. (As He does you know?)
So for example last week my mentor brought up the subject of forgiveness #awkward. Then last night at church our pastor talks about Joseph forgiving his brothers...and if anyone deserved to go unforgiven it was his brothers #extraawkward THEN AT STAFF MEETING we have a guest speaker in. Whats he talkin' about? FORGIVENESS of course he is. #awkwardunleashedalloverme I mean it was great, I hear all these things about how forgiveness is a blessing and we feel so much better afterwards and it's such an incredible release etc...this is all well and good but the actual forgiving part...you know the bit between "YEAH OK GOD i get it i need to forgive" and the "wooooowiieee release" part is quite difficult. It is however a very important step to make it's just the "how do I actually do this?" ask anyone "how do you forgive someone?" and they'll say "you just do" I conducted a short 2 minute survey..approximately well...I'm going to do it now... ok so if you ask any non christian how to forgive someone and they'll respond with "you just do" or "they did what? you don't" but ask a christian and the top response you get is pray....during this time of prayer people have said they've had time to reflect on how big the issue is but they're also reminded of how much Jesus has forgiven them...it starts to put a few things into perspective.


Matthew 18:21-22 tells the short story of Peter asking Jesus how many times he must forgive his brother, Jesus responds with not 7 times but 70 TIMES 7. In biblical times this was the ultimate number. This is how many times Jesus forgives us no matter how much we do wrong. As a christian I don't think I could handle knowing that Jesus continually forgives me over and over and I sincerely struggle with returning the gesture on someone else even if that process is painful.
Sometimes that incredibly short [in perspective] painful process is necessary in order for us to feel and appreciate the incredible release and freedom we'll get in the long run.


I guess life is a journey that we just need to roll with and learn lots as we go along....