I'm leaving in 4 hours and 45 minutes and I have to pack, shower, change money and rest. All very doable really if I had any sort of motivation to crawl out from under my very cosy bed :) maybe I'll rest first...
I'm pretty excited to visit Thailand :)
I have nothing else to say at this given moment just that I'm very excited but not enough to move to get anything done before I leave (lol)
Must.get.up.now...okay 5 minutes...
Wednesday 16 November 2011
Wednesday 9 November 2011
I win :)
It's not going to be easy but I know I am fully competent and capable and I am ok. I have the strength to win this in the physical, mentally I need to make a choice and I know its very easy for me to sit here at five to midnight after eating virtually nothing all day and say "I win in my head I can eat now" at lunchtime tomorrow it could be a very different story, but it's about the choices I make and today I choose not to let this win over me, and tomorrow i choose not to let this win over me and the next day and the next day and the next day.
I know I am stronger than this because God is bigger than my problem and it's His strength that carries me. As long as I continue to keep that in mind and do my best to remember it over and over at meal times I am going to be ok. Eating will be difficult but I know I can do it because I believe I'm worth more than what anorexia has to offer.
I can do this because I believe in me.
Friday 4 November 2011
"Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder that makes people lose more weight than is considered healthy for their age and height.
Persons with this disorder may have an intense fear of weight gain, even when they are underweight. They may diet or exercise too much, or use other methods to lose weight.
The exact causes of anorexia nervosa are unknown. Many factors probably are involved. Genes and hormones may play a role. Social attitudes promoting very thin body types may also be involved.
Family conflicts are no longer thought to contribute to this or other eating disorders.
Risk factors include:
Trying to be perfect or overly focused on rules
Being more worried about, or paying more attention to, weight and shape
Having eating problems during infancy or early childhood
Certain social or cultural ideas about health and beauty
Having a negative self-image
Having an anxiety disorder as a child
Anorexia usually begins during the teen years or young adulthood. It is more common in females, but may also be seen in males. The disorder is seen mainly in white women who are high academic achievers and who have a goal-oriented family or personality."
I suppose I first struggled with food when I was around 8. I was an actual real life nightmare to feed. I just wouldn't eat. I got the usual generic "if you don't eat your dinner you won't get ice cream" to be fair, i generally didn't give a rats ass whether I got the ice cream or not I wasn't hugely bothered. I never really understood why I couldn't bring myself to eat like a normal 8 year old. I was just scared of..well..I don't actually know what exactly I was scared of I just knew I couldn't really eat.
Things fairly normaled out for me (ish) until I was about 12 or so, everything started to change and I didn't appreciate it a whole lot, my body was growing in different places and I was uncomfortable with that and after having difficulty settling into a school I didn't really want to go to I just found I felt very out of control of my own life. After a very brief stint of being bullied I found I could control certain areas of my life. I started to self harm (WHICH WAS FAB) not. And cut down on my food without really properly realising what I was doing-I was heavily involved in sport so I just figured I was being healthy. It got progressively worse over the years and I continued to restrict my food until i got to a time in my life where I would just go for days or a week or two without eating. It was particularly difficult to be fair.
Anywho I moved to England because too many people close to me we're recognising my problem and I wanted to run away so I left and did a course over there, which, I never really went to because I was far too busy drinking alcohol, overdosing on laxatives and not eating food which in turn made me incredibly weak - also fab - not ;) amongst other things that are still particularly painful to go into and also entirely related to my post on forgiveness. I think it is fair to say I was in a pretty broken place :(
My turning point came when one day I had just had enough. I put everything in order-literally. And tried to kill myself. I am not being light about this. I took everything. I was on steroids for an ulcer in my stomach I took all those, paracetamol, brufon, codeine, vodka and bleach. I full heartedly genuinely did not want to live anymore. It was a painful time. I really called out to God that night, I couldn't do it anymore. I really wanted God to intervene.
No word of a lie the next day I woke up. I was partially disappointed but mostly relieved-I felt like I had a little bit of hope, like God had something for me.
I started this healing journey, I came home from England where I had a little bit of accountability and got back involved with church. Slowly but surely from being involved with the right people my heart started to heal and as I grew to understand God and His love for me I didn't feel as big a need to starve myself...unfortunately it wasn't quite as simple as that because that sort of journey takes time but I walked it and made it through to the other side eventually with a small scuffle or two along the way. I had such an incredible healing that I thank God for every single day otherwise I wouldn't have been here. Who knows where I would have been.
I decided that I wanted to spend my life working for God so went in for an internship in my church that I am currently in and as a side note before I move on quickly I am really enjoying it but more recently I have had to face some difficult obstacles.
We as interns have been given an incredible opportunity to go on a missions trip to Thailand, whilst we won't be spending a great deal of time with prostitutes, the thought of being in an area surrounded by men who abuse young girls and women is something that is causing me a great deal of stress, worry and fear, which is apparently causing a somewhat minor relapse.
Whilst I don't condone any kind of starvation "minor" I use the term only because people around me are aware of it and so potentially the relapse won't last very long.
This is comforting-more comforting than I realise right now I think but it is comforting to know that although I am struggling intensely right now to eat anything more than 70calories in a day there are people praying for me, watching over me and walking with me during the rejourney into healing.
The most comforting part realistically is knowing I'm not alone in this. It's not something I have to do on my own, I have endless amounts of people who want nothing but the best for me and they're going to be there for me and support me through the hard times and celebrate in the good times with me too.
I think my problem is that during my recovery I was never really taught how to deal with stress and pressure and criticism in a healthy non-dangerous way!! So I suppose this is my latest challenge, finding a healthy way to cope without resorting to old methods. I do wish it was as simple as "oh here's a healthy way to handle everything now I can eat" but unfortunately it's not, and unfortunately for me despite people realising the trouble I'm in and the struggles I'm having I'm not sure they comprehend just how fast and how deep I have fallen back into anorexia. I literally can not eat. The thought reduces me to panic attacks and tears and melt downs. I think more than anything I'm scared. Scared people will give up, scared people will leave, scared ill get kicked off the internship, mostly scared really that this time it could kill me and yet I still can't bring myself to change. It's frustrating how much harder it is than people (or even myself) realises.
Life shouldnt have to be this difficult :S
Persons with this disorder may have an intense fear of weight gain, even when they are underweight. They may diet or exercise too much, or use other methods to lose weight.
The exact causes of anorexia nervosa are unknown. Many factors probably are involved. Genes and hormones may play a role. Social attitudes promoting very thin body types may also be involved.
Family conflicts are no longer thought to contribute to this or other eating disorders.
Risk factors include:
Trying to be perfect or overly focused on rules
Being more worried about, or paying more attention to, weight and shape
Having eating problems during infancy or early childhood
Certain social or cultural ideas about health and beauty
Having a negative self-image
Having an anxiety disorder as a child
Anorexia usually begins during the teen years or young adulthood. It is more common in females, but may also be seen in males. The disorder is seen mainly in white women who are high academic achievers and who have a goal-oriented family or personality."
I suppose I first struggled with food when I was around 8. I was an actual real life nightmare to feed. I just wouldn't eat. I got the usual generic "if you don't eat your dinner you won't get ice cream" to be fair, i generally didn't give a rats ass whether I got the ice cream or not I wasn't hugely bothered. I never really understood why I couldn't bring myself to eat like a normal 8 year old. I was just scared of..well..I don't actually know what exactly I was scared of I just knew I couldn't really eat.
Things fairly normaled out for me (ish) until I was about 12 or so, everything started to change and I didn't appreciate it a whole lot, my body was growing in different places and I was uncomfortable with that and after having difficulty settling into a school I didn't really want to go to I just found I felt very out of control of my own life. After a very brief stint of being bullied I found I could control certain areas of my life. I started to self harm (WHICH WAS FAB) not. And cut down on my food without really properly realising what I was doing-I was heavily involved in sport so I just figured I was being healthy. It got progressively worse over the years and I continued to restrict my food until i got to a time in my life where I would just go for days or a week or two without eating. It was particularly difficult to be fair.
Anywho I moved to England because too many people close to me we're recognising my problem and I wanted to run away so I left and did a course over there, which, I never really went to because I was far too busy drinking alcohol, overdosing on laxatives and not eating food which in turn made me incredibly weak - also fab - not ;) amongst other things that are still particularly painful to go into and also entirely related to my post on forgiveness. I think it is fair to say I was in a pretty broken place :(
My turning point came when one day I had just had enough. I put everything in order-literally. And tried to kill myself. I am not being light about this. I took everything. I was on steroids for an ulcer in my stomach I took all those, paracetamol, brufon, codeine, vodka and bleach. I full heartedly genuinely did not want to live anymore. It was a painful time. I really called out to God that night, I couldn't do it anymore. I really wanted God to intervene.
No word of a lie the next day I woke up. I was partially disappointed but mostly relieved-I felt like I had a little bit of hope, like God had something for me.
I started this healing journey, I came home from England where I had a little bit of accountability and got back involved with church. Slowly but surely from being involved with the right people my heart started to heal and as I grew to understand God and His love for me I didn't feel as big a need to starve myself...unfortunately it wasn't quite as simple as that because that sort of journey takes time but I walked it and made it through to the other side eventually with a small scuffle or two along the way. I had such an incredible healing that I thank God for every single day otherwise I wouldn't have been here. Who knows where I would have been.
I decided that I wanted to spend my life working for God so went in for an internship in my church that I am currently in and as a side note before I move on quickly I am really enjoying it but more recently I have had to face some difficult obstacles.
We as interns have been given an incredible opportunity to go on a missions trip to Thailand, whilst we won't be spending a great deal of time with prostitutes, the thought of being in an area surrounded by men who abuse young girls and women is something that is causing me a great deal of stress, worry and fear, which is apparently causing a somewhat minor relapse.
Whilst I don't condone any kind of starvation "minor" I use the term only because people around me are aware of it and so potentially the relapse won't last very long.
This is comforting-more comforting than I realise right now I think but it is comforting to know that although I am struggling intensely right now to eat anything more than 70calories in a day there are people praying for me, watching over me and walking with me during the rejourney into healing.
The most comforting part realistically is knowing I'm not alone in this. It's not something I have to do on my own, I have endless amounts of people who want nothing but the best for me and they're going to be there for me and support me through the hard times and celebrate in the good times with me too.
I think my problem is that during my recovery I was never really taught how to deal with stress and pressure and criticism in a healthy non-dangerous way!! So I suppose this is my latest challenge, finding a healthy way to cope without resorting to old methods. I do wish it was as simple as "oh here's a healthy way to handle everything now I can eat" but unfortunately it's not, and unfortunately for me despite people realising the trouble I'm in and the struggles I'm having I'm not sure they comprehend just how fast and how deep I have fallen back into anorexia. I literally can not eat. The thought reduces me to panic attacks and tears and melt downs. I think more than anything I'm scared. Scared people will give up, scared people will leave, scared ill get kicked off the internship, mostly scared really that this time it could kill me and yet I still can't bring myself to change. It's frustrating how much harder it is than people (or even myself) realises.
Life shouldnt have to be this difficult :S
Monday 3 October 2011
A work in Progress
I haven't written in a while because I didn't really have much to write about...now I have everything to write about and no idea how to say any of it...and such is my conundrum.
I guess there are two areas that i can talk about...although I might accidentally talk about them both at the same time rather than seperately in an organized manner...or I may start doing this then go back and edit it and remove this paragraph so you would never know...... [Edit: i left this in cuz I thought it was funny]
Anywho, two areas I have been struggling with recently are 'people pleasing' and 'forgiveness' two pretty hefty topics....and I have no idea how to unscramble my brain into something somewhat legible for a blog.
If I were to tackle 'people pleasing' first I would be saying something wonderfully constructive and insightful about the psychology behind it....
Supposedly it comes from a fear of not being accepted and a feeling of unworthiness and unloveableness (yes i know it's not a word but i can't figure out what the actual word is....)
Some world renowned doctor said this "In their unceasing efforts to avoid conflict and confrontation, and to get along with everyone in their life, only rarely do they express their true thoughts and feelings." This is understandable when you move jobs and friendship cycles as often as I do.
Anyone can understand that sometimes we just want to be liked...unfortunately for me I feel the need to become a doormat in order to get that approval..on the flip side of this though...does all the blame lie on me? What about the people who are aware I'm a people pleaser and take advantage of this? Is that fair? Don't hear what I am not saying, please, I am in no way attempting to shift blame of my 'doormatedness' (yes I made this word up too) onto anyone else, I am simply saying that people pleasers are easy to spot and as human beings we need to realise that taking advantage of them, or, going directly to them before anyone else for help just because we know they will say yes should not be an option. [what a confusing sentence-i apologise]. In my own humble people pleasing opinion as I spout from a fairly anonymous blog...it's exploitation. **gasp**
So my next step is learning how to say no...I suppose the key thing to remember is that when someone asks us to do something 99% of the time we are giving ourselves much more thought than they are...in the nicest possible way their head is currently going "can you do this yes or no-if yes awesome if no thats cool who else can I ask?" our head is saying "ohmygoodness I have no time to do this but what if no one else will help them, what if they think I'm unreliable, if i say no they'll think I'm lazy and they'll think I am unhelpful and never ask me for help again if I say no I wont get any more opportunities to prove myself..." I mean seriously...what do I need to do in order to give off the impression that I am willing to help, provided I have the time and energy to do so. Somebody give me a bin to throw away the doormat sign that is glued to my head. Maybe I can switch it to that saying that goes a little something like "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day..tomorrow doesn't look good either" I guess my key is to remember that my self worth doesn't lie within making everyone else happy it comes from God and God alone. As long as I remember that, hopefully I shouldn't have too many issues with people pleasing...maybe...ish... ;)
Why does life need to be so difficult all of the time? And why can't I delegate?
MOVING SWIFTLY ON TO MY NEXT TOPIC OF LIFE: forgiveness
I shall repeat "WHY DOES LIFE NEED TO BE SO DIFFICULT" [said in exasperated tone]
okay so that was a little dramatic but still, it was necessary.
I have been learning a lot about this recently (as in forgiveness...not my ability to over dramatise everything I do in life..ok, there I go again)
Several weeks ago I found myself in a situation where I had to forgive someone...I am still faced with that choice.. Now please don't go thinking this is another of my over dramatised stories-it isn't. It's not a wee petty thing where someone ate my lunch and I was irritated and hungry all day it was something much more raw and painful than that. Anyway, the opportunity arose where I realised I would actually have to forgive several people. (insert sarcastic willingness here)
I decided to ignore the feeling (as any great Christian does-nervous laughter) and for a while it went away, more recently however I have found myself in several situations where God is dropping hints into my life in a so completely unsubtle way. (As He does you know?)
So for example last week my mentor brought up the subject of forgiveness #awkward. Then last night at church our pastor talks about Joseph forgiving his brothers...and if anyone deserved to go unforgiven it was his brothers #extraawkward THEN AT STAFF MEETING we have a guest speaker in. Whats he talkin' about? FORGIVENESS of course he is. #awkwardunleashedalloverme I mean it was great, I hear all these things about how forgiveness is a blessing and we feel so much better afterwards and it's such an incredible release etc...this is all well and good but the actual forgiving part...you know the bit between "YEAH OK GOD i get it i need to forgive" and the "wooooowiieee release" part is quite difficult. It is however a very important step to make it's just the "how do I actually do this?" ask anyone "how do you forgive someone?" and they'll say "you just do" I conducted a short 2 minute survey..approximately well...I'm going to do it now... ok so if you ask any non christian how to forgive someone and they'll respond with "you just do" or "they did what? you don't" but ask a christian and the top response you get is pray....during this time of prayer people have said they've had time to reflect on how big the issue is but they're also reminded of how much Jesus has forgiven them...it starts to put a few things into perspective.
Matthew 18:21-22 tells the short story of Peter asking Jesus how many times he must forgive his brother, Jesus responds with not 7 times but 70 TIMES 7. In biblical times this was the ultimate number. This is how many times Jesus forgives us no matter how much we do wrong. As a christian I don't think I could handle knowing that Jesus continually forgives me over and over and I sincerely struggle with returning the gesture on someone else even if that process is painful.
Sometimes that incredibly short [in perspective] painful process is necessary in order for us to feel and appreciate the incredible release and freedom we'll get in the long run.
I guess life is a journey that we just need to roll with and learn lots as we go along....
I guess there are two areas that i can talk about...although I might accidentally talk about them both at the same time rather than seperately in an organized manner...or I may start doing this then go back and edit it and remove this paragraph so you would never know...... [Edit: i left this in cuz I thought it was funny]
Anywho, two areas I have been struggling with recently are 'people pleasing' and 'forgiveness' two pretty hefty topics....and I have no idea how to unscramble my brain into something somewhat legible for a blog.
If I were to tackle 'people pleasing' first I would be saying something wonderfully constructive and insightful about the psychology behind it....
Supposedly it comes from a fear of not being accepted and a feeling of unworthiness and unloveableness (yes i know it's not a word but i can't figure out what the actual word is....)
Some world renowned doctor said this "In their unceasing efforts to avoid conflict and confrontation, and to get along with everyone in their life, only rarely do they express their true thoughts and feelings." This is understandable when you move jobs and friendship cycles as often as I do.
Anyone can understand that sometimes we just want to be liked...unfortunately for me I feel the need to become a doormat in order to get that approval..on the flip side of this though...does all the blame lie on me? What about the people who are aware I'm a people pleaser and take advantage of this? Is that fair? Don't hear what I am not saying, please, I am in no way attempting to shift blame of my 'doormatedness' (yes I made this word up too) onto anyone else, I am simply saying that people pleasers are easy to spot and as human beings we need to realise that taking advantage of them, or, going directly to them before anyone else for help just because we know they will say yes should not be an option. [what a confusing sentence-i apologise]. In my own humble people pleasing opinion as I spout from a fairly anonymous blog...it's exploitation. **gasp**
So my next step is learning how to say no...I suppose the key thing to remember is that when someone asks us to do something 99% of the time we are giving ourselves much more thought than they are...in the nicest possible way their head is currently going "can you do this yes or no-if yes awesome if no thats cool who else can I ask?" our head is saying "ohmygoodness I have no time to do this but what if no one else will help them, what if they think I'm unreliable, if i say no they'll think I'm lazy and they'll think I am unhelpful and never ask me for help again if I say no I wont get any more opportunities to prove myself..." I mean seriously...what do I need to do in order to give off the impression that I am willing to help, provided I have the time and energy to do so. Somebody give me a bin to throw away the doormat sign that is glued to my head. Maybe I can switch it to that saying that goes a little something like "I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day..tomorrow doesn't look good either" I guess my key is to remember that my self worth doesn't lie within making everyone else happy it comes from God and God alone. As long as I remember that, hopefully I shouldn't have too many issues with people pleasing...maybe...ish... ;)
Why does life need to be so difficult all of the time? And why can't I delegate?
MOVING SWIFTLY ON TO MY NEXT TOPIC OF LIFE: forgiveness
I shall repeat "WHY DOES LIFE NEED TO BE SO DIFFICULT" [said in exasperated tone]
okay so that was a little dramatic but still, it was necessary.
I have been learning a lot about this recently (as in forgiveness...not my ability to over dramatise everything I do in life..ok, there I go again)
Several weeks ago I found myself in a situation where I had to forgive someone...I am still faced with that choice.. Now please don't go thinking this is another of my over dramatised stories-it isn't. It's not a wee petty thing where someone ate my lunch and I was irritated and hungry all day it was something much more raw and painful than that. Anyway, the opportunity arose where I realised I would actually have to forgive several people. (insert sarcastic willingness here)
I decided to ignore the feeling (as any great Christian does-nervous laughter) and for a while it went away, more recently however I have found myself in several situations where God is dropping hints into my life in a so completely unsubtle way. (As He does you know?)
So for example last week my mentor brought up the subject of forgiveness #awkward. Then last night at church our pastor talks about Joseph forgiving his brothers...and if anyone deserved to go unforgiven it was his brothers #extraawkward THEN AT STAFF MEETING we have a guest speaker in. Whats he talkin' about? FORGIVENESS of course he is. #awkwardunleashedalloverme I mean it was great, I hear all these things about how forgiveness is a blessing and we feel so much better afterwards and it's such an incredible release etc...this is all well and good but the actual forgiving part...you know the bit between "YEAH OK GOD i get it i need to forgive" and the "wooooowiieee release" part is quite difficult. It is however a very important step to make it's just the "how do I actually do this?" ask anyone "how do you forgive someone?" and they'll say "you just do" I conducted a short 2 minute survey..approximately well...I'm going to do it now... ok so if you ask any non christian how to forgive someone and they'll respond with "you just do" or "they did what? you don't" but ask a christian and the top response you get is pray....during this time of prayer people have said they've had time to reflect on how big the issue is but they're also reminded of how much Jesus has forgiven them...it starts to put a few things into perspective.
Matthew 18:21-22 tells the short story of Peter asking Jesus how many times he must forgive his brother, Jesus responds with not 7 times but 70 TIMES 7. In biblical times this was the ultimate number. This is how many times Jesus forgives us no matter how much we do wrong. As a christian I don't think I could handle knowing that Jesus continually forgives me over and over and I sincerely struggle with returning the gesture on someone else even if that process is painful.
Sometimes that incredibly short [in perspective] painful process is necessary in order for us to feel and appreciate the incredible release and freedom we'll get in the long run.
I guess life is a journey that we just need to roll with and learn lots as we go along....
Monday 9 May 2011
Patience
"I am extraordinarily patient provided I get my own way in the end" - Margaret Thatcher
This quote is so me it's unreal. Everytime I hear or read the word 'patience' i cringe, probably because I would just love to think I have lots of patience for everyone and everything when in reality it's quite the opposite...sure we all have the ability to have lots of patience for the things that don't really need a whole lot of it. For example I have lots of patience for my little sister even when she sticks her fingers up my nose or throws a tantrum or catapults (yes catapults) her dinner all over me or wipes her snot on my cardigan when she's tired...(i could go on and on here but I digress) the point I am trying to put across here is this; I have patience for her because I know after the tantrum or before she goes to bed I'll get the cutest little kiss or the most beautiful smile or she'll reach her little arms up to me for a cuddle that makes the whole day worthwhile. I know from experience that the trials of the day with her won't last because at the end of the day she still loves me....now why is that I struggle on a daily basis to have patience for a breakthrough of God in my life because I know that He loves me too. **sigghh**
It's funny how God can use our daily struggles to teach us a little life lesson. Recently I managed to get myself in a lot of trouble with money, whilst I'm not lacking in responsibility for the problem I would like to add, if my job was giving me the 30 hours I am contracted for rather than the 10 they are giving me I wouldn't be in as much trouble, but again, I digress...I have been looking for another job, one full time in the long term or part term to add to the one ive got for now, whatever I'm not fussy-I just need the money-I had been praying for a very long time RE the issue and I remember a specific conversation I had with a good friend I believe the words she used were "maybe God is teaching you patience" *queue cringeing, shuddering, and, overdramatic eye rolling* my reply was "I have lots of patience, God just doesn't work fast enough" (eeek, did i really say that out loud..?) The turning point came when I was praying one night "God how many times do I need to ask you for a job?" I had to stop myself because instead of praying in faith that God would pull through for me I was praying a thousand times over to make myself feel better about the doubt I was experienceing. It's not about how many times you pray for something it's what you believe when you pray.
Surprisingly enough there isn't a whole lot in the bible about *HOW* we can learn patience...helpful huh? ;) Infact most of the verses regarding patience are all about how God is patient with us.
1 Timothy 1:16 says "Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience" -Message
You know, even though this doesn't teach us directly how to have patience we can still learn from it.
Jesus has patience with us, not just any patience...ENDLESS patience because lets face it, we're all human and nobody is perfect, we make mistakes, we think our way is better, and ultimately, a lot of us just don't trust God with the bigger things in life. It's hard relinquishing that control. Thank goodness for God's grace and his wonderful patience right? ;)
So if God can have patience with us, mere humans who change every day, surely we can have a little bit of patience for the dude that created the whole world, whose ways *and timing* are perfect and who was and is the very same God who never changes...oui? yeah i thought so too.
Why do we get so worried that God won't pull through for us?
I guess what we need to learn is that Gods timing is perfect always, so if a job has fallen through or a situation you've been praying about isn't resolving it is most likely because He has something much better up His sleeve because ultimately He wants the best for us.
James 5:10-11 "Take the old prophets as your mentors. They put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit, all the time honoring God. What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail." -Message
comforting right? :)
This quote is so me it's unreal. Everytime I hear or read the word 'patience' i cringe, probably because I would just love to think I have lots of patience for everyone and everything when in reality it's quite the opposite...sure we all have the ability to have lots of patience for the things that don't really need a whole lot of it. For example I have lots of patience for my little sister even when she sticks her fingers up my nose or throws a tantrum or catapults (yes catapults) her dinner all over me or wipes her snot on my cardigan when she's tired...(i could go on and on here but I digress) the point I am trying to put across here is this; I have patience for her because I know after the tantrum or before she goes to bed I'll get the cutest little kiss or the most beautiful smile or she'll reach her little arms up to me for a cuddle that makes the whole day worthwhile. I know from experience that the trials of the day with her won't last because at the end of the day she still loves me....now why is that I struggle on a daily basis to have patience for a breakthrough of God in my life because I know that He loves me too. **sigghh**
It's funny how God can use our daily struggles to teach us a little life lesson. Recently I managed to get myself in a lot of trouble with money, whilst I'm not lacking in responsibility for the problem I would like to add, if my job was giving me the 30 hours I am contracted for rather than the 10 they are giving me I wouldn't be in as much trouble, but again, I digress...I have been looking for another job, one full time in the long term or part term to add to the one ive got for now, whatever I'm not fussy-I just need the money-I had been praying for a very long time RE the issue and I remember a specific conversation I had with a good friend I believe the words she used were "maybe God is teaching you patience" *queue cringeing, shuddering, and, overdramatic eye rolling* my reply was "I have lots of patience, God just doesn't work fast enough" (eeek, did i really say that out loud..?) The turning point came when I was praying one night "God how many times do I need to ask you for a job?" I had to stop myself because instead of praying in faith that God would pull through for me I was praying a thousand times over to make myself feel better about the doubt I was experienceing. It's not about how many times you pray for something it's what you believe when you pray.
Surprisingly enough there isn't a whole lot in the bible about *HOW* we can learn patience...helpful huh? ;) Infact most of the verses regarding patience are all about how God is patient with us.
1 Timothy 1:16 says "Jesus Christ came into the world to save sinners. I'm proof—Public Sinner Number One—of someone who could never have made it apart from sheer mercy. And now he shows me off—evidence of his endless patience" -Message
You know, even though this doesn't teach us directly how to have patience we can still learn from it.
Jesus has patience with us, not just any patience...ENDLESS patience because lets face it, we're all human and nobody is perfect, we make mistakes, we think our way is better, and ultimately, a lot of us just don't trust God with the bigger things in life. It's hard relinquishing that control. Thank goodness for God's grace and his wonderful patience right? ;)
So if God can have patience with us, mere humans who change every day, surely we can have a little bit of patience for the dude that created the whole world, whose ways *and timing* are perfect and who was and is the very same God who never changes...oui? yeah i thought so too.
Why do we get so worried that God won't pull through for us?
I guess what we need to learn is that Gods timing is perfect always, so if a job has fallen through or a situation you've been praying about isn't resolving it is most likely because He has something much better up His sleeve because ultimately He wants the best for us.
James 5:10-11 "Take the old prophets as your mentors. They put up with anything, went through everything, and never once quit, all the time honoring God. What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares, cares right down to the last detail." -Message
comforting right? :)
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