I win :)

Today, within myself, I had the beautiful realisation that I was worth more than what starvation was offering me. Today I discovered I am going to be 1 of the 4. I think I always knew very deep down that this wasn't going to last, I had far too many people that cared about me supporting me to watch me tumble deeper down. So whilst all of these people were "eat this eat that, more of this, less of that" I was agreeing helplessly, promising to eat and then lying that I'd done it when I hadn't. Eventually I came clean, or I avoided the confrontation altogether. It was a short lived relapse..if it can even be called that-which i suppose it can considering i lost 1 stone but it was a hellish one at that and I know its not over, this is a process not an event, something I am going to have to continue to battle every day but the battle in my head is over. I win. Again. I can do this. Again. 


It's not going to be easy but I know I am fully competent and capable and I am ok. I have the strength to win this in the physical, mentally I need to make a choice and I know its very easy for me to sit here at five to midnight after eating virtually nothing all day and say "I win in my head I can eat now" at lunchtime tomorrow it could be a very different story, but it's about the choices I make and today I choose not to let this win over me, and tomorrow i choose not to let this win over me and the next day and the next day and the next day. 


I know I am stronger than this because God is bigger than my problem and it's His strength that carries me. As long as I continue to keep that in mind and do my best to remember it over and over at meal times I am going to be ok. Eating will be difficult but I know I can do it because I believe I'm worth more than what anorexia has to offer.


I can do this because I believe in me.