1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
It's no major secret that the last few weeks have been somewhat 'challenging'. With various different things going on around family life, with my host family, friends, and just in myself personally I am genuinely surprised I've held myself together so well thus far. As I was spending my time last night watching the second hand on the clock tick instead of sleeping I took some time to think and remember how much my life has changed in the past 3 years and despite the difficulties I face now, how good God is in the middle of it all, whether I feel it or not.
Three years ago I was half way through my first year in a nursing degree, I lived off alcohol, cigarettes & toffeecrisps, I was badly depressed and a chronic self harmer, I had terrible friends (I was in England by the way, my friends in NI were great..) and amongst various other things I was in the middle of an abusive relationship.
At the time I wasn't sure why I was still alive or why I needed to be for that matter and I think I surprised myself at just how bad I had let things get before I did anything about it.
Looking back now however, the action path I chose wasn't the best one as i soon discovered (but recovered from).
Two years ago, I was thankful for my life and nearly all that was in it. God had started me on a journey of growth in learning about who I was, and what he had for me. Never in a million years would I have said two years ago that I would be here right now. but ANYWAY. Different story for another time. I was so thankful for where I was and the people I had around me and that I wasn't in some of the same situations as I was three years ago, but things still weren't easy. I still struggled with eating, I still self harmed-no where near as often but it was still there-and I hadn't quite shaken the depression but things were getting better and that was enough to keep me going.
One year ago I had quit self harming, I was free of depression, and I had 99% shaken the eating problem. I genuinely felt a whole lot better in myself, in who I was, why I was here, and the plans God had for me. I was applying for a full time internship course at my church and for the first time in probably my whole life I was really excited for what was going on.
That's not to say I didn't have any difficulties or issues at the time, I did, and plenty of them, but I was learning how to handle them in a less destructive, more constructive kind of way. Yes I still had bad days where I would 'forget' to eat or I'd 'accidentally' slip and burn myself, or I'd have a 'headache' and hide under my duvet all day, but everyone is allowed a bad day. It's part of learning and growing.
At the end of the day we're only human and we're going to make mistakes and that's ok. It's what you learn from them that counts.
This year I have encountered various different 'challenges' and they haven't been easy. Whilst they haven't been the same as the challenges I had to overcome 3 years ago they've been just as difficult to face most of the time but I've learnt to be strong and I guess one of the things I've had to learn more recently, or rather, last night, is that it's ok to NOT be ok sometimes.
Admitting that you aren't ok isn't actually admitting that you've failed, or that you are weak, or anything like that, but really it's your chance to tell the hurricane going on around you to shut the hell up so you can hear God's secret whispers in the midst of it, encouraging you to keep going, that He loves you, that He's proud of you, that He sees you, that He cares.
It's funny how easy it is to drown out the hurricane with the quiet whispers when you take the time to listen to them.
Sometimes life can feel so completely overwhelming in the middle of a current situation but yet when you remove yourself from it and change your perspective it almost seems worthwhile to fight through.
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